Confession time…

I watched 17 Again and liked the movie.  I have even come to understand why teenage girls swoon over that kid Zac Efron.  Dang it he’s a decent actor.  There I said it…

I like Miley Cyrus’ song Party in the USA.  When I first heard it at work I told my friends Josh and Betsy that I would never like it but admitted it was a good pop song.  They told me I would cave and despite my music snobbery…I have come to like the song.  You know it’s gone through your mind in the past week or so…”noddin’ my head like yeah! Moving my hips like yeah!”  Oh bugger, bugger…

I wrote cheesy poems when I was 17.  Keep in mind it was 16 years ago.  I was an incredibly angry teenager who had an abusive dad who was practically stalking the family after my parents divorced and the world really didn’t make sense to me.

You never write a cheesy poem at 17 and think you’ll read it at 33 and find words from your youth that challenge you.

God I fear what’s left unsaid

All these thoughts locked in a heart of stone

I’m crying out

Break my heart, make me see

All that’s holding me back, all these chains inside

Teach me—

That I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

I’m gonna be free

No more fear, no more doubts

When I give you me

I’m holding back from the ones I love

All the pain in my soul

Carrying all of this alone is stunting my growth

Now I know what I must do and it’s all about You

I’m on my knees so please teach me—

That I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

I’m gonna be free

No more fear, no more doubts

When I give you me

It’s time to turn the key

To open my soul

Give up all of the pride

And just let You inside

Now I know

I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

I’m gonna be free

No more fear, no more doubts

As I give you me

All these years later I’m still holding back and refusing to really let people in.  Deep down do any of us really believe that others would love us if they knew our innermost thoughts…who we really are?  How can we ever live up to the expectations others impose on us?  Who others expect us to be?

Fear of being known and others deciding that I’m not who they thought I was going to be–that fear has affected every relationship in my life.  My therapist says my willingness to admit this and live in self-awareness is a bold step.  I say it’s lame, long overdue and I’m working on it!  That’s why I pay him…he’s wiser and doesn’t react emotionally like I do.

I haven’t quite gotten what’s coming to me…that complete freedom that 17 year old me thought was just around the corner.  33 year old me feels she’s closer than ever…and appreciates cheesy 17 year old me for the reminder.  And yes I guess that God guy had something to do with this…He can be so sneaky at times.  Just sayin…

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